Inches
by Jayden Winters
Summary: And definitely don't ever assume a butch is really female. Chances are...you're wrong. Crackfic. Intense crude humor of epic proportions. AkuRoku


A/N: Heh heh. 'Nuff sed.

**Warning: Intense crack and graphic and grotesque scenes. Don't read if you don't like yaoi or character bashing or fecal matter jokes…**

Disclaimer: I don't own KH.

-.X.-

Inches: A One-Shot…

-.X.-

"Seven inches," Axel stated to no one in particular. "Five and a half inches." He whistled and saw a man in a monster truck. "Two inches."

Roxas frowned as he passed his best friend on the street. "What are you doing, Ax?"

"Guessing penis sizes. Wanna know how big my penis is?"

"Half an inch."

Disgruntled, Axel stuck his tongue out at his best friend in passing and walked into the movie theater bathroom. He started jumping up and peaking over the stalls. "Five inches." Hop. "Six inches." Hop. "Twelve inches---holy hell!" He crawled under the bathroom stall and grinned deviously. "Hey there Mansex…Why are you fully erect while taking a shit?"

Xemnas quirked an eyebrow, "Why are you in my bathroom stall?"

"Ever had a blow job while taking a shit?"

"No."

"Well, you're about to get one!" He took the man's length into his mouth and, much to his surprise, came two seconds later. "Am I just that good?"

"I was in here masturbating while shitting. So, no. That actually sucked."

Laughter erupted from the stall next to them." It was a very recognizable laugh that belonged to none other than Xigbar. "That sucked! Ha! That's great, dude!"

_Ding!_

"Alright suckers! Time to rotate!"

Confused by King Mickey's statement, Axel looked up at Mansex and frowned. Saix crawled under the wall and glared at the redhead. "Move along, Ax. Move along."

Feeling enlightened, he got down on his hands and knees and crawled under the wall only to find Larxene. Shocked to find her taking a shit in the men's restroom, his eyebrows knitted together. "What are you doing taking a shit in the men's restroom?"

"Axel. I'm really a man. Suck my penis. Now!" Obeying the transgendered shemale, he went down on her penis and sucked with vigor. "Suck harder! Bob your head more! More! More! Oh yes! Yes! Oh! Oh no. No! No! Damn. I came."

"Your semen tastes like vagina," the teal-eyed Organization member stated.

"Really? I can't believe it's not butter! I mean…I eat enough of it…"

_Ding!_

"Everybody out of your stalls! Stop! Hammer time!" King Mickey announced.

Axel opened up the stall door and found a line of hot men with tight, sweaty bodies lined up against the wall. Spotting Roxas, he quickly ran over to him and took off his pants. "Hammer time? I'll hammer you…"

Roxas turned around, blushing like a schoolgirl. "Oh Axel…Take me!"

"Alrighty everyone! Ready! Set! Go!" the mouse standing on top of the sinks exclaimed loudly.

"Just kidding!" the blonde grinned, "April Fool's Day! As if I'd ever let you do me!" Roxas laughed and walked out of the room.

Suddenly, a robber named Vexen burst into the room, gun held high in the air. "Everybody! Down! This is a stick up!"

"Too late! You should've come earlier! Like we did!" Xigbar called out, laughing.

"Awww…" Vexen sighed sadly, shoulders drooping. "I'm sad now."

From the other side of the restroom entered a police officer, his badge shiny. "Stop your acts of sodomy!"

"Demyx. Shut up you fool! Do you want it up the ass too?" Mansex growled, wiggling his hips suggestively.

"Whoa! I'm outta here!" And he ran away.

As Axel put on his tuxedo thong, he watched Kairi and Naminé walk into the bathroom. Their jaws dropped upon seeing all of the sexy, sweaty, hot, gay mansex. "So this is where the party is. Why weren't we invited?"

Axel rolled his eyes and answered, "Duh. You're not male. Got it memorized?"

"But what about Larxene?! She's right there!" Naminé protested, folding her arms, pouting.

Eyes wide, Axel slowly shook his head, expression blank. "No…No _Larxene _is not a female. Nami, she has a _dick_."

Larxene whipped out her penis and waved it at Kairi. "Say hello to my little friend…"

Disgusted, Kairi and Naminé walked out of the room, speaking something of playing DDR in the lobby.

Relieved, all of the men, except Axel, continued fucking until they came. Dejected by the fact that he did not have a sexual partner because his love interest left the restroom, he left the movie theater and walked down the street. "Three inches."

"Half an inch," came another voice from behind him.

Surprised by the fact that Roxas was standing behind him, he dramatically gasped. "What are you doing here?"

"I was waiting for you. I was wondering if I could come over to your house…for dinner." Roxas deviously smirked at the redhead before shooting him a seductive look. "And did I mention that by dinner…I mean sex?"

Axel felt himself growing hard; his eyes lit up like a puppy dog's.

When they reached the redhead's place, Axel fumbled his door keys and eventually stuck his key into the keyhole, turning it. No sooner did they get into the living room, Roxas stripped his clothes off and pounced on Axel.

"Everybody but me has been gettin' some today…" he growled, grabbing the blonde's butt. "You ready for some action?"

Roxas nodded, stripping off Axel's shirt. "Hell yes I am."

And for the rest of the night, Axel and Roxas had dirty, dirty sex. They had porno sex. They had butt sex. They had bed sex. They had unprotected sex. They had oral sex. They had Two Boys One Glass sex. They had Zelda sex and they had baseball sex. They had very hot, steamy, passionate sex. To sum it up, they had a whole hellova lot of sex.

And Roxas got pregnant because King Mickey had secretly cast a spell on him while he was hot and sweaty, lined up against the wall. Roxas had to drop out of school and take care of he and Axel's love child and Axel had to work two jobs--both mercenary and hit-man.

Moral of the story kids is don't have unprotected sex. And definitely don't _ever _assume that a butch female is _really _female. Chances are…you're wrong.

-.X.-

A/N: Heh heh. *holds up anti-dragon shield* I'm prepared for the flaming. Anyway, review!


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